Permanent reminder

Thursday reminded me so much of a heart breaking morning I had in 2009.

Just like that morning, my mom called me with the same tone of voice, breaking the same kind of news: someone we know had been killed.

The call 7 years ago was when I was only thirteen. I didn’t know how to respond to that kind of information: that a woman and her two sons we knew were killed in their home. That day was the start to my ever increasing fear of death/crime/illness.

The time in-between the 2009 news and Thursday’s news, I have been noticing more death/crime/illness in the world than I’ve ever seen before. Not that there is more in the world since 2009, but at some point you reach an age where you just become more aware of it. Maybe because you’re old enough to actually watch the news, read disturbing stories, and be told things your parents once kept from you.

This year I’ve lost a grandfather. My grandmother had a stroke and isn’t the same. I’ve grown closer to people who  won’t be around in a few years. I recently moved and at times I feel extremely lonely without my friends around. Then there is that fear that haunts me too often, that I hate to say allowed; loosing my family… That would shatter my world.

With all the fear and anxiety that followed me around like a dark cloud, I needed a permanent reminder. Something that would tell me to keep going and encourages me to love where I’m at and what season I am in… no matter the death, crime, illness, fear, anxiety, loneliness, ext.

John Mayer song came to mind when I lost my grandfather and it repeatedly played in my mind after that. Any time I had those haunting thoughts; I would play that song.

The song talks about the fear of loosing parents and wanting your theoretical train to stop… but at the end of the song John gets advice from his father who tells him not to stop but to love where he’s at.



When I say I got a permanent reminder, I’m not kidding.

Thursday when I got the call from my mom about Blake, my heart sunk and I spent the day in shock… in tears… praying for his family – thinking of my fears again.

This time I had ink on my arm to nudge me not to wish my train to come to a halt.

{Blake was my favorite youth leader at my old church in St. Louis. I talked with him every Wednesday night about random 15 year old things; He would make jokes about me driving on the road once I got my permit. Then I’d ask him questions about his police training. He was incredibly kind, approachable, and funny; exactly what I aspire to be.}

I believe at the end of the tracks, I’ll see my grandfather, Sheri and her sons, Blake and everyone in between. I just can’t let fear and anxiety decide where my train goes.

Just keep going.





One thought on “Permanent reminder

  1. Miss you doll. And love the post. All of our hearts are broken right now and we all need to be reminded that our God has it all under control and there is absolutely nothing that happens to one of his children that he is not aware of. Period! ❤️ You. Proud of you!

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