The last thing everyone heard is that I was doing Second Year.
I’m going to lay it all out and be completely honest about where I am right now.
Second Year was the plan… But I will not be moving forward with it anymore.
I did get confirmation from God that I was supposed to go, in a way. He actually never told me Yes or No on the matter.
This was the quote on quote confirmation:
I had a dream right as everyone began to apply for second year. In the dream God told me; “If you want to do second year it is paid for.”
I had people tell me it would be good for me and my current pastor at the time had God speak to her in a dream and tell her to pray for me, that I would be delivered into the plans he has for me.
So I applied. That felt like enough confirmation to at least move forward with applying.
When I got excepted I decided to move forward and start saving… but… as the summer moved on, I only had one foot in and one foot out.
I was never truly 100% in because I was considering other options.
I saved for the money, paid my deposit, moved into an apartment with my best friends, went to registration, and attended to two weeks of school.
Yes, it was beautiful and seemed like something I could move forward with but I wasn’t fully committed and I wasn’t going to spend 9 months and 5 grand to do something I wasn’t giving my all into.
They gave me a choice… I was either going to do it and they would work with me on finances (because I still owed over $3,000) or I wasn’t going to go because I felt my heart pulling another direction.
There is something you should know about me. I hate making decisions. I hate it with a passion. I even find it hard to decided between two laundry detergents because I am scared of the outcome.
I will spend hours at a grocery store because I can’t decide if I want to buy shrimp or salmon. I often by both just so I don’t have to stress.
I have a fear that no matter the decision I make, it’s going to suck, so I often let others decide for me.
So I decided I couldn’t pretend to want to go and I had to be honest with the people surrounding me.
I broke down and confessed my fears and concerns to my pastors at BSSM.
They comforted me and helped me clear my mind.
I realized I had a legit fear of decisions… it wasn’t just the usual “I can’t decide!” it was more of a panic “I really don’t want to choose!”
But God was giving me the power to choose. He isn’t here to control my life. I’m not a robot. I am a powerful person who makes powerful choices.
I attended one last day of school before I made my final decision.
God had given me this vision a few weeks prior when I was at the verge of a breakdown.
I was telling him; “God, I am sick and tired of my ducks not being in a row” (My dreams and passions aligned like I had planned)
“My ducks are all scattered around and wondering off. They are probably going to die and I am going to be stuck dreamless and disappointed!”
I imagined what it would look like having all these baby ducks scattered around, running off, not in a row like planned.
Then God gave me this vision… he told me to look again… and I got a picture of the ducks in a fenced area.
He said; “They may not be in a row and they may be scattered, but they aren’t going anywhere and they aren’t going to die. Your dreams are still alive. I promise to protect your dreams no matter the decision you make.”
So, I made my decision. Second Year was a no for me.
I am completely confident in the decision I have made and I am amazed at the grace God has shown.
It’s amazing to me that he let’s me choose. There are times he is clearly saying Yes or No, but there are also countless times when he teaches me the power of choice and gives me the freedom to do what’s in my heart.
I am dedicating this year to taking a year off, working, pursuing my passions, dreaming of what to come, being intentional with my relationships, and continue living with my best friends.
It wasn’t an easy decision. I’ve had plenty of tears.
In fact the day I decided it was a no, I packed up the few books I had received and some little souvenirs from registration day and placed them under my bed.
For some odd reason I had felt like I had lost something in a way. I told my roommate that it kind of felt like a miscarriage (Not to take that lightly in any way). Like I had conceived this idea of second year and as I moved forward with it, I wasn’t getting the love it needed, so it passed away.
As I began to tear up at the thought of losing a baby per say, my roommate said; “It hasn’t died yet Em. It’s just not a second year baby.” Kind of like thinking it was a boy but it’s actually a girl.
She is so right. I haven’t lost anything. God promised to keep my dreams and desires alive/safe, it’s just about trusting him. It just wasn’t what I expected this year. This baby is still alive and I can’t wait to see the adventures I will have these next nine months.
Thank you to those of you who have kept me in your prayers, it has made a huge difference, and I am overwhelmed by the love everyone has shown.
- Emily Funkhouser